She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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