She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
