i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
