I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
