So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
