Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
