yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
