Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
