I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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