Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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