ya dads aren't the best wingmen
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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