i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
