I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
