Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize