I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
