like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
