I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
