i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He did a backflip because drugs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
