You just made me feel so damn special
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
