Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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