u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
