i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize