just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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