i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
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