Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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