I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
