Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
