I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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