dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
