How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
