just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
