Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
