I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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