i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
