I wish I could teleport
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
