Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
