somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
