sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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