Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
