oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
