well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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