I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
