i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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