I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
