hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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