dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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