i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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