Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
