In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
