Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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