toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's Friday. Sex?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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