filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
