remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
