You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize