wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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