I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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