Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
