the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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